I cannot find my penis.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
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If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
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What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.