She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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