I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
