I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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