so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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