I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
