she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
