Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
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