I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
