What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
