I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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