I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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