barbara walters just said penis...
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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