finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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