I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
