if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
