What did we do last night that was yellow?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
