When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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