just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
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why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
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We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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