God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I want a musical about memes.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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