Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Randomize
