I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
