overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
