Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
