Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
