The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My dad is sitting where you rode me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
