I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I would ride that face into the sunset
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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