They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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