just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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