My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
