Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize