i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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