i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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