How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
