this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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