If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
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