This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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