Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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