Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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