two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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