I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize