Please, let me fuck your mom
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
