Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
