Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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