I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
