I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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