He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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