i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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