i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Randomize
