My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
She called it a palate cleanser. She and her friend dike it out once a year before returning to dick
Together or do they pick up? How far do they go? IS AN AUDIENCE PERMITTED? GODAMIT ANSWERS MAN!!!!!!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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