theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
cat food counts as protein by the way
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
