hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
