dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
