It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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